However, her idea of practicing to make gestures of respect into “second nature” responses seems to also make them into mindless utterances. This may be why, in my experience, you rarely hear “sir” and “ma’am” in sophisticated society. I was raised as was she, but found myself an odd-ball when I entered the business world, so I stopped with the habitual utterances.
Evidently, it comes across as patronizing and I noticed that these good-manners words were usually used by people trying to get folks to do something they didn’t want to do. Often it was building contractors who did shoddy work. At business meetings, which are usually designed to get something done as efficiently as possible, these words are a distraction. Participants seem to appreciate minimal, direct input so everyone can just get on with the task at hand. Then, upon completion, the thank-yous come out and are quite sincere.
One can convey appreciation for a response within the request for it; that is more sincere than simply saying “please.” Instead of a mindless “thank you,” one can appreciate whatever was done or said in similar words. Quite often, just one’s tone of voice and/or a smile can convey good manners, without the habitual words. Yes, they are free and simple, but sometimes they can be cheap, like when customer service representatives say “sir” when they should say “ma’am.” Law enforcement officers are trained to use good-manners words for two reasons: to psychologically diffuse uncooperative lawbreakers and to remind the officers to employ restraint as much as possible (what a tough job!). I’m sure they have no respect whatsoever for the drunken guy assaulting his wife.
The women’s movement caused some rethinking of words like “ma’am,” “Miss,” “Ms.,” and “Mrs.” I felt a loss of personal identity when marriage took away the name I was born with. I remember when people went from referring to me as “miss” to calling me “ma’am”; it made me feel old and no longer vital. I never understood why one would hail a waitress clearly past the age of 40 by addressing her as “miss.” How close is that to calling a black man “boy?” This certainly does not convey respect! And how, exactly, does one make the judgment about age/marriage in order to say the right thing?
Around here, people in businesses such as hair salons, dental and medical offices have a habit of referring to their female customers as “Miss SoAndSo.” They mean only to be friendly and personable, but they fail to think what they are conveying. I am long past being young and naïve. I have married, raised children, worked at jobs, built and run my own successful 25-year business and managed to survive many difficult and stressful things. Being called “Miss Virginia” is not commensurate with my station in life. Though I know it isn’t meant to be disrespectful, it feels that way. Do they address the men as “Mr. Mike”? If not, why not? Are men deserving of respect while women are not?
I went to a nearby new car dealership back in 2001 to buy a specific Subaru model. The salesman (about 70 years old) immediately disregarded everything I said with, “Little lady, I am going to put you in the perfect car for you!” I paused, then said that I had to go and I left. I bought the car I had researched for the price I wanted from another very accommodating dealership across town. I don’t like being disrespected, especially as a woman.
When my daughter and her husband moved to Fort Collins, Colorado, recently, their neighbor came by to welcome them. My very sociable and old-fashioned son-in-law responded to her with one of those “yes, ma’ams” and she clearly looked shocked, then insulted and then confused. She quickly regained her composure and said, “Oh! I guess that’s a Southern thing.” It really doesn’t go over so well in many places. She and her husband never once said “please,” “thank you,” “sir” or “ma’am.” However, they immediately filled a keg-sized tank with water from their spring and brought it on a little trailer when they learned their new neighbor had no working water in the rental house.
Then she brought them a loaf of whole wheat bread baked fresh and still warm from their wood stove. This is true friendliness, true respect, and is far more powerful than any “second nature” words would ever be.
Sincerely,
Virginia Moss
Hull
