OPINION: All the books on parenting don’t clear it up

I’m learning this job on the fly. And a lot of answers don’t seem so clear cut.

So I’ll often flip through parenting material, looking at how others think children should be raised, how they feed, teach and discipline their kids.

I remember getting the parenting book by Dr. Leila Denmark “Every Child Should Have a Chance” shortly before the birth of our first child. Denmark died this past week at the amazing age of 114. She was born in 1898 and practiced medicine until 2001, when she retired at 103 after 70 years of treating kids. Wow! Can you imagine that life, that rare perspective on time. She saw both the first World War and the Internet.

There’s certainly no arguing Denmark’s tips on longevity. For instance, she avoided all sugars that weren’t naturally found in food, such as the sweetness in fruits. I guess my recent afternoon purchases of Red Bull aren’t carrying me to a 114th birthday celebration in the year 2086.

With Denmark’s passing, I thought about the whole world of parenting advice. Denmark’s book was one of several we received around the birth of our first of two children. And Denmark is one of the pioneers of a huge industry these days — that self-help genre dedicated to sleep-deprived parents who look into the eyes of a screaming infant or toddler and wonder how in the heck to make it stop.

It’s a desperate feeling when a child’s tantrum truly hits, especially in public. It’s like a chainsaw has been cranked in the room. And there’s no off switch. All I know is to quickly usher my son out of the room with an apology and try to distract him by pointing to a passing truck or bird.

It’s interesting how many debates surround parenting: breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding, swaddling vs. not swaddling, spanking vs. not spanking. A lot of folks get really judgmental, really quick. But I think if the child grows to understand that he or she is fundamentally loved, then varying methods can be OK.

For instance, spanking seems to be effective in some families, but I’m not a spanker. And that has everything to do with my own discipline issues, not my children’s. I am generally a calm person, but when real anger sets in, I feel an urge to smack something. There are times in my life when I’ve felt that intense rage rise in my chest and I’ve reacted in ways disproportionate to the occasion. And this is not a part of myself I want to unleash on my children.

I’m often short on sleep. And whining or screaming can trigger a bad emotional response in me. Therefore, I decided that spanking is off limits for me, except in a situation in which a safety lesson must be learned — like, don’t run into traffic, or don’t jab that piece of metal into the electric socket. Luckily, I haven’t faced such things yet — and hopefully won’t. I recognize that some folks will take my attitude as weakness, but I don’t really care. I know my own temper. All this, however, doesn’t mean I’m good with being disrespected. I can’t help but confront that. There’s a level of fear that’s necessary, but I don’t want it based on my hands.

It’s interesting how many of my parenting notions are based on what I don’t want to be. I don’t want to be absent. I don’t want to be red faced and shouting down an umpire.

And I don’t want to be overly serious, which I can be, for sure. Because I feel it’s important to teach my kids to be silly, to have a good laugh and enjoy things. My parents have a good sense of humor and I love that about them. Hearing my kids cracking up is probably the best feeling I get these days. And I can’t help but present some sort of mild variation of April Fool’s Day most every day with my daughter, who gets some thrill out of being tricked, then reversing the favor.

The main thing I feel as a dad is the urge to hold on to time, because it slips away so quickly. I look back at my old photos and recognize that I’ve been several different people. And I know my children will continually change, becoming different people over the years. I just want them to be healthy and happy — and to make decisions that lead them toward those things in the long term, not just the short term.

Of course, that’s far easier said than done. How do you do steer them toward that exactly?

Well, there are books on it, like the one by Dr. Denmark. And I have plenty of reading, plenty of late night thinking, plenty of worrying to go.

But I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Zach Mitcham is editor of The Madison County Journal.