OPINION: Mickey, Jesus and Jimmy Buffet at the Madison County polls

“Can anyone confirm that on the afternoon of July 20, you were indeed nibblin’ on sponge cake? You’ve acknowledged that some feel a woman is complicit in the act, but you’ve also said it’s your own fault. Your honor, I submit to the court this admission of guilt in the matter of the lost shaker of salt.”

Another voter preferred to see “Mad Dog” serve as our local DA. Unfortunately, the voter offered no clarification on whether he intended to see a tattooed, barking buddy fill the post, or an actual dog foaming at the mouth, or a bottle of the “Mad Dog” beverage, that American “wine” of choice for those seeking an exchange of fists and legal problems.

Meanwhile, another voter preferred to see the skinny sitcom deputy, Barney Fife, take a seat at the BOC table. Yeah, maybe we can transform that icy, windowless BOC meeting room into a modern day Mayberry, but who’s going to play Otis or Aunt Bea or Gomer? Who’ll holler “Shazam” or “Surprise, Surprise, Surprise” after the next budget amendment?

While thousands of people voted for McCain for president in Madison County, one person wanted to see him serve as the county’s next sheriff. Another voter preferred Obama as Madison County’s state senator. Sarah Palin was the preferred choice of one person for a judge’s post on the Court of Appeals. Joe the Plumber wasn’t left out either. If one voter had his way, the newly famous Joe would sit at the county commission table come January, perhaps next to “Moses,” who was penciled in by another voter. One person wants to see Bob Dole serve as county commission chairman. Another wants “Elvis.”

Sorry, Joe Biden, you didn’t get any write-in votes for coroner in Madison County.

But Goofy did. So did Road Runner and Ron Paul. When it comes to responding to local deaths, one voter feels a speedy bird should handle the duty.

Of course, many people step to the polls with party allegiance in mind. They vote straight-ticket Republican or Democrat.

But some apparently go straight-ticket Disney or Looney Tunes. While politics can be downright cartoonish at times, some voters literally prefer cartoon characters to actual candidates.

By my count, Mickey Mouse received 26 votes in Madison County for various offices. How many votes do you think that mouse received nationwide? “Mikey” Mouse also got a couple of votes. Scooby Doo got a vote for a BOC seat. Snoopy got a vote; so did “Snoppy.” There were other votes for Minnie Mouse, Elmer Fudd, Bugs Bunny, Donald Duck, Daffy Duck, Fred Flintstone and “Mighty Dog,” who is perhaps a more successful relative of “Mad Dog.”

For centuries, people have contemplated the second coming of Jesus — the where, the when, the how. It seems some voters would like to see him return by filling a local elected post. Jesus received 19 votes Nov. 4, with some voters recommending him for state senator, a house representative, a district attorney and a judge on the Court of Appeals.

One person wants to see the “man in black,” the late Johnny Cash, return to life in the state senate, perhaps reworking “Folsom Prison Blues” to suit the Gold Dome blues.

The nation’s president is always sworn in on a Bible, but one voter wants to see the Bible become the next president. In fact, “the Bible” received a vote for most posts up for grabs last week.

Danielsville resident Kay Pickett, whose Oval Office credentials include the ability to drive any vehicle and fire any weapon, including grenade launchers, announced her candidacy for president this summer. She received three votes in the county for the most important job in the land, while somebody named Chuck Baldwin got eight votes for president.

Many people appeared to vote for themselves for local offices. I guess I can understand that, but some votes didn’t make much sense. There was a vote for “B00-B00” for state senate and votes for “IQ8” and “UR Mom” for BOC chairman. In the State Senate race, one person wanted “Anyone but a Demacrate.” I picture some sort of blue milk crate destined for Berkeley, California.

The 17 pages of write-in votes I received courtesy of the probate office this week proved an interesting read.

What a crazy, “Cheeseburger-in-Paradise” world it would be if some of these voters got their wish.

Zach Mitcham is editor of The Madison County Journal.