OPINION: Sharks, shrimp, putt putt and sleep — the annual getaway

We’ll be back by the time you read this, but here are some of my vacation thoughts:
•The death of the diving board in America is a vacation downer. Think of all the lost cannonballs. And aren’t belly flops supposed to be part of vacation?
•I will eat more shrimp than my wife for a week. She is the Bubba Gump of the family, ordering shrimp dishes year-round. I never do, except when it’s fresh at the beach.
•I will not fear sharks. I will not fear sharks. I will not fear sharks.
•I will not think about those stories of nasty bacteria in the sea. Man, Internet, I hate you.
•I will not buy Oreo doublestuff cookies. I will not eat loads of ice cream and various junk food. Well, that’s a lie. It’s vacation.
•I will eat McDonalds for my one time this year. It’s travel food.
•I will repeat my promise to go no carb when we return. I will keep saying this to justify my decisions.
•Odds that I will walk the four-mile round trip to the pier for the first two mornings of the stay: 95 percent. Odds that I’ll do it after that: five percent.
•I will prevail at putt putt.
•I will try not to pass out in the 130-degree arcade at the Boardwalk as I play my tenth game of Skee-ball. I will win enough tickets to buy a tiny plastic squid or fake tattoo stamp.
•I will not take my daughter on any ride that actually looks too rough at the Boardwalk. Three years ago, we got on the “Hurricane” and my father watched as it violently slung us up and down and sickened us both. The ride operator must have given us a buy-one, get-one-free ride, because it went on forever. My daughter has not forgiven me.
•I will not injure my arm as I toss a football with my brother-in -law on the beach. No one cares about my arm strength but me. My wife is not impressed with a tight spiral. I have to take it easy. I need my rotator cuff.
•I do not care about a tan. I will wear the strongest sunscreen I can find. I will not rub it properly into my face, leaving big white streaks.
•I will get prune fingers for the only time this year.
•I will body surf and hope for waves that break above my head. I like waves that bring a moment of fear but won’t actually break bones.
•I will get to see my 1-year-old nephew enjoy the beach. I look forward to playing in the sand with him.
•I will watch my high-energy 40-year-old brother-in-law be the “kid-in-chief” and maintain his status as the world’s most fun uncle, or “Funcle.” He always has a “caper” and kids follow him like a Pied Piper. He never slows down.
•Meanwhile, I will be desperate for a nap.
•I will set a time limit on the “I spy something…” on the car ride. I can only spy something red for so long.
•We will also play “would you rather?” during the car ride. As in, “Would you rather eat a worm or a beetle?” Or, “Would you rather be able to fly or be invisible?” Hopefully, it won’t turn into, “Would you rather keep whining or lose that iPad?”
Of course, the ride home always seems so terribly long. The trip down is full of anticipation. The trip back is full of exhaustion. But then we finally get to the Madison County sign on Hwy. 29. And we know we’re almost home. It’s fun to get away, but returning is a relief too.
We can then spend the next year with another getaway on the horizon.
Zach Mitcham is editor of The Madison County Journal.